I’m Baaack (in the Saddle Again)!!

I’m back from my trip to Seattle and Vancouver, both of which I loved, loved, loved!  Part of me wants a faculty job at the University of British Columbia, ideally starting in the Spring semester (I would also accept Cafeteria Lady or groundskeeper positions).  Needless to say, it’s be-yoo-tiful in the Pacific Northwest.  I packed in more into a week than I can possibly write about in one post, but here are a few trip highlights:

On the ferry

Watching the sun break through the clouds from the deck of a ferry boat between Seattle and Bainbridge Island.

Having good conversation, wine, and the best darned crab cakes (and doughnuts for dessert) I’ve ever had at the Dahlia Lounge in Seattle.

Standing in the soft rain at the base of a 1000+ year-old evergreen tree in the rainforests around Vancouver.

Spending a day out on the open water on a whale-watching tour between Vancouver and Victoria, weaving between rocky, evergreen islands and out on the open ocean.  Watching in utter amazement as the fins of orcas broke the calm, glacial blue surface.

It was an unforgettable week.

What I did forget about was Grown-Up University.  Things started to go off-course when I injured my knee on the first day of the trip and wasn’t able to run until a few days ago.  That threw me.  Despite promising myself to exercise restraint and moderation during meals on vacation, I ate too many rich meals and probably put back on a few pounds I had lost.

Since returning over a week ago, I’ve found returning to my pre-vacation schedule and lifestyle to be pretty hard. I came back in an indulgent frame of mind, my eating and sleeping schedules were out of out of whack from the 3-hour time change, and I was unable to exercise.  The disrupted sleep schedule has led to lots of late nights watching crap TV after my husband is already asleep.  Disrupted meal schedules have led to half-baked meal planning (my husband and I have ordered out for pizza twice, and I’ve only cooked dinner a few times since coming back).  My old habits are creeping back, and with that, a creeping sense of anxiety and guilt.

The guilt comes from breaking promises to myself; the anxiety comes from realizing how far I am from meeting my goals.  Most pressing to me at the moment are my October goals for GUU: five books to read, an exam, and a dozen or so other obligations and a week to catch up.  It feels a bit insurmountable.  What’s my favorite way to cope with anxiety and guilt?  By not coping.  By avoiding the things that are making me feel bad; by seeking comfort in familiar things that keep me stuck where I’ve been.

So I’ve been avoiding thoughts about GUU.  I’ve been dragging my heels at blogging, cooking, exercising, and curbing my various appetites.  I’ve been “treating” myself to one too many fatty lunches, and indulging in some trashy late-night TV, feeling the thrill I’d get as a kid for sneaking around after I’m supposed to be asleep.

The “giving up” on myself—especially my health goals—isn’t a conscious thing; it’s a gradual slipping.  Because I have high standards for myself, even little slips cause me anxiety.  Anxiety causes me to avoid reminders of my slipping and seek comfort in unhealthy things, which causes me to slip further from my goals and become more anxious.  Thus the downward spiral gets more downward-y.  We nerdy, academic types love to make charts and graphs, so here is a Failure Flow Chart:

Yes. I am a giant nerd.

So that’s the process I’ve been feeding into for a week or so, and have practiced feeding into for years.  It might look familiar to some of you.  My choices are either to keep feeding it, or get back in the saddle and keep going.  It’s easy for me to fall short, to get discouraged, to give up easily.  I’ve done it a lot.  People around me have seen me do it, too.  My husband gently asked me a few days ago if I planned to keep blogging.  I was insulted for a millisecond (didn’t he know how much investment I had in this?), but then I realized it was a totally fair question.  I’ve given up on myself a lot before; enough so that my broken self-trust is another scar I carry with me.  He’s heard me make a lot of promises to myself that I haven’t kept, and seen me start things I’ve never finished.

It’s temping to keep punishing myself and avoiding everything.  It’s temping to keep slipping; to beat myself up for getting so easily off track in the first place.  That’s not really helpful at this point.  I want to move on.

I’ve been doing a few things to get myself back in the saddle:

First, I confided in a close friend about my anxieties, and she gave me encouragement and reminded me that I have valid grounds for giving myself an “extension” on some of my assignments.  That’s what I’m going to do.  I’m giving myself until November 15^th to catch up on all my October goals, including my mid-term exam for Physical Education (2 mile run).

Second, I got my butt handed to me in Boot Camp this past Saturday.  It was my first intense exercise since hurting my knee, and it felt good to be back and to be able to exercise.

Third, I started reading one of my October books for GUU, “No Need for Speed” by John Bingham, a book about being an adult-onset, aspiring runner.  His writing re-focused me on the importance of having a strong and fit body, and reminded me that our bodies are the outer reflections of the cumulative physical stresses of exercise.  My tendency is to feel like regaining a few pounds means I’m starting over, but I remembered that my hours of exercise from before my trip weren’t wasted—those 25+ hours of exercise are under my belt now and my body is a bit fitter and stronger than it was six weeks ago.

The last thing I did that helped me was write this post.  I’m going to keep writing them too.